Who Said It Was Easy

by Jean-Mrac Lagarde 1st Annual Cyber-Pet Writers Contest Winner, 3rd Place
Copyright© 1997

I have a story to tell, one which can be said for all my friends. It's not easy being a dog. I mean when people invent something they don't think about us. Like who was the idiot who invented linoleum floors. I tell you that person must have hated dogs. My owner's kid likes to chase and torment me, and when your on these floors there is no hope of surviving. Either you spin your legs and go nowhere, or you get off to a good start but you come to a wall or corner. You try to stop, but you keep sliding and baam you hit your head dead on the wall. Your eyes fly to the back of your head. I would like to hang the guy who invented the choke chain. I'll take him around and drag him by the neck for a while. See how he likes that.

What about dog food. You eat the same dull dried food every day, and it tastes raunchy. Sure you can get that other canned stuff if your lucky. Do the words spam ring a bell. Most people don't eat that, so why should we under a different name.

Who came up with the idea of dog houses. Those things don't have any furniture, insulation, or heaters. Our fur coats aren't as thick as you think, you know. I really hate when people put me out in the freezing cold to go to the bathroom. I don't know about you but I don't want to freeze my butt off. I can hold it.

Another thing, why can't I have fleas. They're by best friends. They scratch my back for me. The reason why I scratch is because of the damn flea powder people put on me. I want to know who was the idiot behind dog sweaters. They make me look stupid, and man are they itchy, I mean super real itchy. That's another reason why we dogs scratch.

Don't put us in the back of a truck on a trip. The ride is real bumpy, and I bruise easy. Oh, you think we like it because we stick our heads out. We're actually looking out for other traffic, so we can brace ourselves in an accident. We don't want to bite the biscuit of death. Please, Please, flush the toilet. I mean if we're thirsty and you don't give us water; which you never do, we have to get water from you know where. Also don't put that blue stuff in there either, it just makes me sick. Don't bring other people around that have stinky clothes, that's just plain rude, because we have very sensitive noses. The sheep dogs demand jerky treat breaks. It's what you humans call coffee breaks. We also want compensation for when we get kicked by livestock. By that I mean don't shoot us. Don't give us rubber bones. When we go to eat one, it makes our jaw spring open bigger then it should, and gives us a severe case of whiplash. We want bones with meat on them. You want to know why we bury bones in the yard? They are just garbage with no meat on them.

Try not to take us camping and leaves us on guard outside your tent. You try and fight a bear or skunk, I know I sure won't. When we actually do get to sleep inside on a person's bed, we have to sleep at your feet. It's not fair, you can't sleep with that smell. The sensitive nose thing remember. Can you not take us to where it's muddy. it takes me hours to groom myself. How about you try licking mud with your tongue. Let us take a bath by ourselves in private too.

You are now fully aware of our plight and can now sign this contract so we may have a better understanding of one another.

Sign Contract Here

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You MUST obey all above rules by order of dog failure to do so will result in mass destruction of all household items and property!!!